This is a question I am often asked. Nah, don't get me wrong.
Almost a decade ago, someone didn't even need to ask. I was so very evidently unattached - firmly buried in books and visibly wafting in a lofty sort of arrogance that no one was good enough! This someone just played with silence, read out poetry and settled firmly in my heart. No silly questions asked, of course!
A decade later, Facebook happened.
Users filled columns after columns after columns on interests, jobs, music, religious views, and duh, relationshop status - single to committed to single to open to married to duh, in a relationship with to single!
I myself played the game and in the beginning, it was fun -- `ooh, when did that happen?' to `congrats hon' to `ohhh...since when?'... And, then, I made the smartest move - I spared the strangers this tiny bit so they ask. Often - everywhere - on the wall, in private messages, over chat.
Now, if I were at a party, how would people ask me this? Most wouldn't, right? Some do. In fact, many do. Someone I know asked: `So, where do u stay in Delhi?' Next question: `Alone or with family?' If I said `family', they asked: `Parents?' F*** man, come to the question!
Anyway, ask me how I handle this - In one of my earlier posts, I have written reams about my disgust for such personal questions but in our society, this is how women are greeted. Mostly. And, their relationship status almost always contructs the entire meaning of their existence.
For example, if you are single, it almost always means desirable, potential date, most preferred party mate, star presence on a guest list. I mean, yeah, all men out there will court you - even the married ones. After all, who knows if they are `open'?
Anyway, my intention is not to distort the happy meaning of being single; my trouble is with the way such questions can limit women. I agree that for many in steady relationships - lovers/husbands/boyfriends, this clarity can be a way to keep unwanted friend requests at bay. But if one looks at networking as the greatest boon of social networking, this could be the ultimate nip in the bud - the end of the very beginning.
I don't know about others but if I ever went to a party (and that would be rare), I wouldn't like to tell anyone if I am single or committed or married. I would like to be known for who I am - writer, aspiring author, failed tennis player, struggling jogger, loud biker! These details contruct me - the details in failures, joys, victories, interests, soft spots, hate links, everything I like, dislike, do and don't beyond that inner circle of my being which hides/awaits/denies something about me.
While social networking on the web has limited women and their virtual circles to their relationship updates, something bizarre has happened on the communication front too. The web has made them look and become more approachable - what one can not or may not be able to say in person or over the telephone, can now say over chat and in most likelihood, get away with it! I know a friend who kept cracking jokes until they got personal and I objected. He said: `c'mom girl, chill, i was just kidding!' I was furious but I could say very little except a straight smiley, like this one - :-|
Most of virtual communication today can get very personal before you know it and this could be a friend you have thought highly of all along! What do you do in such situations - be blunt and risk ruining the friendship or let it pass as a minor aberration on his part? Dificult to decide, no?
I call this the million dollar dilemma of our virtual existence - how much Internet-social should be become? For women, it's a deeper thought that bothers me - do they allow themselves to be dismissed or approached purely on account of their relationship updates?
I would be glad if someone corrects me, but sadly, it is indeed very difficult to find men on networks who would be genuinely interested in what you do and who you are beyond the pretty face. A dear friend and colleague once said: ``It is indeed rare to find men who would be interested in a woman once they know she is committed. For them, that's the beginning and end of the chapter.'' It bothered me no end - if this is true, how sad, because everyone, almost everyone, plans to get married eventually.
Another friend, divorced and single for many years, said while she celebrates her single status, it often gets to her. ``It's so difficult to find men who will fall in love with you.'' For her, most dates fixed on Facebook ended up as one-time affairs, partly due to her unwillingness to ``play along''. This brings me to a related question: how do we find love? Through blind dates fixed over FB or Orkut or some such platform and then pray for everything to turn out great? Or, find someone in college/workplace/weddings/social dos, through common friends? If latter is the better way out, what does the first option stand for - frivolous, fun meetings that could get anywhere (life-in-fast-lane kinda stuff) or wild chances with fate?
A male friend bluntly describes social networking sites as ``pick up joints''. Another violently disagrees.
I remember someone writing to me a funny message to which I sent no reply. After a chain of messages, this person asked, almost pleading: `Could you at least tell me if you were single or committed or married?' I realised my silence in such circumstance would be brutal and hence, I sent a reply.
While you guess what my answer was, this reminds me: ever wondered why men are not asked this completely offensive and totally irrelevant (yes, irrelevant) question?
